My power was shut off yesterday.
All avenues of possible assistance were explored & exhausted.

I spent the last of my Food Stamps on a sweet lady and her
tiny husband so they would eat until the first.
(They had no other help)
I have some soup & frozen fish sticks left....I kinda wanted a
small ham for Easter.

My new scan on Monday shows a shadow on my right jaw.
So far the cancer has been on my arms & legs.
This one hurts too.

I seem to have lost my understanding & ability of hope.
All I feel is Fear.....as if something is ending.

My sweet Conure Koda senses (I believe) the dark thing in my
jaw.....she will scrape at it with her sharp beak. Push at my
face with her foot.

No final plans have been made on that yet.
Biopsy first I suppose.

In my almost 60 years I have gone thru things that should have
drove me into madness.
Losses that ripped my heart from my chest.
But the Fear has never been so all consuming.

I became a recluse in order to live my own life.
No need for explanations of my eccentricities.
I 'm not "weird".....just "gifted ".

I don 't ask for riches.
I only ask for my life with my birds....
My books.....
An occaisional video game......
The stars at night....
And a hug now & then.

Seems when I help someone to smile the world slaps me down.

Easter will be a can of tuna I guess.
I will crank up the lanterns too.
And wait for the biopsy.
I will think of an old pair of people enjoying possibly their last
Easter together.....and grab another sweater.

Now where can I find a hug?
Mama