I was where you were - limited emotional range - showing only anger and cynicism, as a matter of fact! I used to get wicked migranes during this time period (which went on for about, oh I don't know, 20+ years?).

At the time, I had a very stressful career - male dominated and highly competitive. I used booze to de-stress (which only added to it in the long run). I'd keep all my feelings and emotions in check (stuffed them down), because in business (my whole life), I would have been eaten alive.

After I cracked, however, I began having anxiety attacks (with the help of drug experimentations, too). This is the strange part: I was no longer having migranes. My body had changed its tactic - it was giving me anxiety attacks instead of allowing me to hold onto the stress and anxiousness in my usual way (by stuffing it down).

I rarely get migranes now, and when I have an anxiety attack, I can usually trace the cause of the attack much quicker than I ever could with migranes (as they often came (a week or 2) after the stressful event, or would be a result of a building up of stress, not allowing me any clues as to the origin of the stress).

Exchanging anxiety for migranes has helped me to recover, believe it or not! Although I am now overwhelmed with the entire range of emotions, at least I am "feeling" them. That has got to be progress , 'cause if it ain't, I'm starting to drink again!!

Seriously, I know this is progress. And I have proof:

My current boyfriend has been the only consistently stable human being in my life - EVER. His ability to maintain his personal boundaries and personal morals/ethics since the beginning of our relationship has actually helped me to see how unbalanced I truly was (but never really believed); I have been able to emulate his behaviours (fake it 'til you make it - type thinking) and practice them. I am, by no means, emotionally stable yet, but I do see progress - IN ME - and not through the eyes of someone else - THROUGH MY OWN EYES.

Is that not cool or what?!

I went back to read your original response to skittles. Sorry, but I had to giggle, BUT ONLY BECAUSE I can sooo relate to how you "feel" (and yes, you are feeling...) about everything! I, too, wonder if thinking the world is full of morons is a part of borderline personality disorder, because I feel that way, too. I am, however, not the genius I like to think I am, so I have to consider that this feeling is emulating from me.

I think your body is still protecting you - kind of like how DID protects the person from emotional overloading. When you are ready, you will feel. I guarantee it! Just try to be prepared for the onslaught! (I like to have a few clonaz on hand for just such occasions)

All the power to ya, babe! As they say in DBT: "You are where you are suppose to be at this moment in time..."

Don't give up!

Altered State