Erm, Hi. This seemed like a good idea last night, so... It might be a bit long.

Hmm, I'm new, obviously, and I'd like to know if I maybe have BPD (even though I do know no one can be sure over internet, etc, but it's the best I can do at the moment).

Well, not completely sure where to start, so... I've been in a car accident almost... 9 years ago actually. It was pretty bad, but after 2 or so years I was to some extent back to normal. Anyway, a year later after getting in constant fights with parents for months, about generally going out anywhere (they didn't want me to go on my own, due to previous head damage - which I didn't believe was a problem, since 4+ years passed), I've just... given up.

Some time after, I got hooked onto some MMORPG game, which basically became my life. Around that time I 'realized' that my life is and will be going nowhere, and figuring that my old friends will eventually stop talking to me since I was focused on the game, wasn't going out, or anything, I figured the best thing would be just to 'break it' asap, and not waste their time, which I did. It somehow led me to thoughts of suicide, and I actually "planned" it...

Anyway, 2 and half years ago when I started getting sick of playing the game and figuring how much hooked on it I was, I started playing it less and less, and I realized that I was pretty much f*cked, and after few bad things happened in RL, after a accidental cut (at first), I figured it felt good, so...

Well, after trying it a few times, it became regular thing, so much that even when I was mildly happy, I'd look for some reason to cut. That continued until a year ago (a bit more than that actually) I screwed up, and after a 16+ hours of being unable to stop bleeding, I ended up in ER.

I stopped doing it for few months, and almost a year ago I figured I couldn't wait anymore for my "plan" and decided to try and off myself. I screwed up, obviously, and after spending a bit in a hospital, I went back home. 2 or so months later I stopped cutting, and since then I haven't cut.

Anyway... to the point. According to most symptoms I've read, It's possible that I (may) have BPD.

Mood swings - they happen, not always, but they do. Sometimes it takes me just few seconds to go from happy to sad / depressed.
Even though I managed to stop playing that game, there are... other things which I can't stop, and sometime take most of my day away.

I can't focus on learning almost anything, and it annoys me. Especially since it feels like nothing is going into my head.

Suicidal thoughts / SH urges are still there as well, first one being almost constant, with the second less.

When I meet someone (usually online, since I haven't gone out of the house more than few times in 5 years, till recently), it doesn't take long for a feeling that I need to stop talking to them to kick in.

I dislike talking to people in RL mostly and feel anxious when I do, though I do believe it's more because of isolation than SA or anything similar. Other than that, there's self-hatred, anger which isn't always easy to control but I usually manage to, and some smaller stuff, I guess.

What do any of you think?
I know no one can be sure this way, over the internet, if I do or do not have it, but... well, it's better than nothing.

Thanks (: