I'm sorry that you are grieving as any loss is hard and as you said it doesn't have to be a person.

I'm 46 and have worked full time since I was 21 years old, in Novemeber of 2011 I had a major depressive episode and went off work, at first it was only going to be for a few weeks.

Well those few weeks had me on a psych ward for almost 6 weeks, that was the first time in my life I have been there. I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and well those few weeks became 6 months of short term disability through my work insurance benefits. The short term became long term in May of 2012 and I can basically sit on these benefits until May 2014 and either return to work or have my pdoc state I can not work and be on disability.

My pdoc believes that I will be able to return to work but it isn't going to be for a few years. I have intense outbursts of anger and rage. Besides fearing I could seriously harm someone, I haven't been to kind to myself either.

I have already told her I can't return to my current employer there are way to many issues there and she completely agrees.

I am in the process of trying to get back into an intensive dbt program, my options are limited and I will be applying for the provincial disability soon, as I will be in this intensive program for a few years.

I feel like a part of me died the first day I was taken off of work. I am a shell of the person I used to be. Some days I don't even know who I am. And than there are the days where I wonder what happened to my life and me.