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I know exactly what you are talking about. I have had the same time thoughts over the last few months. At first I was extremely terrified because I actually believed it was going to happen. I thought surely that I was a horrible person and God was so upset with me.
I still have horrible thoughts (don't really want to mention), but I feel I have a little more control over the anxiety they cause me. What worked for me was just thinking about the thought for what it really is, and not focus on the emotions they cause. I know it's a lot easier than it sounds, and I myself am still struggling, but it does get better. Some days are great, other days not so much. I'm not sure about your religious beliefs, but I still believe in God and psalms has helped me tremendously!
I wish you the best and I know it will get better for you. It will take work but it is possible!
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