I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I hope you are feeling a but better today. Don't ever apologise for your posts. Besides, I'm sure all us BPDers have an understanding as we often feel awful and our emotions are so intense we need to vent them out asap. I know what its like to lose the people/person so close to you. I have lost many and it makes me feel like a bad person who is incapable and undeserving of friendships and connections. But i know deep down inside we do, everyone does. If you lived close by id totally invite you over and be-friend you. Hugs to you.