Hi everyone,

I think I may have reached an abrupt end to my relationship with T. I am so gutted. But I can't see any way back from this. Basically I was in crisis and called T for the first time ever in 6 years while in crisis. It's not something I ever usually do. I have BPD and had had an argument with my husband and self-harmed, lost control, said some hurtful things etc. My husband is often very good at containing these 'episodes' of mine but this time he wasn't and we ended up physically fighting eachother. (I have problems with aggression which I have always been honest about to T). When I spoke to T on the phone, she offered to speak to my husband and try to explain Borderline thinking and what is going on for me in that 'episode' where I have lost control of myself. I agreed so she spoke with him. It ended up being a 50 minute phone call with him pouring out all sorts of things about our relationship that I feel were not relevant to this argument, and crying etc. I wasn't expecting that as we had been doing very well before this argument. I was pretty upset and then spoke to T again and she took my husband's side. At least that's how it felt to me. She gave her opinion on a couple of things that he had said (again, things not relevant to this argument) without me asking for them. She also had suggested in an email after we both spoke to her, that I take care of my husband. I was in a bad state myself, having SI ALOT and thinking about how I could possibly go on. It was beyond me how I could possibly have the strength to take care of my husband and I felt quite betrayed by T. That's not to say I didn't understand that my husband too was having a very hard time. I was just not in a place to help him. I feel absolutely gutted that T defended my husband after talking to him once. I have always been open about what a 'bad' person I am and all the 'bad' things I have done and she has always tried to make me feel better about it and convince me that me and H could get through it. Yet the first time she hears from him, she takes his side. I told her I felt she was doing that and she said in hindsight maybe it wasn't a good idea and that since mine and her relationship is 'sacrosanct' we need to keep it that way and she needs to stay in my corner and therefore should only talk to me. That made me feel like she would not be in my corner if she was speaking to us both and that she could only be on my side if she didn't speak to H, otherwise she would inevitably be on his side. I feel like the trust has gone and our (mine and T) relationship is destroyed. I really can't see any way back from this. I know this will all sound irrational but I have tried SO hard to work on my BPD symptoms and never been a coward and hidden the things that I have done. It took alot of courage for me to admit things to T over the years and I did that because I so desperately wanted to change and not be that person anymore. Now it feels like it was all a waste and what was the point in even trying. T said she hadn't changed her opinion of me but I honestly don't believe her. I am angry that her trying to mediate between us turned into my husband telling her things that he hadn't even told me and T then giving her opinion on it. I am SO gutted and disheartened. Sorry for the long rant everyone. Not in a good place right now.