I have not been visiting the site much in recent weeks and it shows because this was my outlet. We come here, share, and a bunch of people care for us and help us. I haven't been on here for that very reason, and what I'm about to say contradicts myself. I didn't want to log on because I'm trying to let me mind kill me. I've been incredibly suicidal for a week now (Basically since I bailed out on my first meeting with the psychologist after my initial intake I already talked about) and really don't know what to do because I can't seem to go get help for myself. That motivation to live I had the other week which motivated me to get help is totally gone and I can't get myself to the place willingly and have cancelled several appointments since. I just want to be dead. It can't be so ****ing hard that I've waited all these years to do it so why am I thinking about it so much. I don't want to try suicide because there's no try here. It's do, or do not. I want it to be do but can't seem to get my mind crazy enough to do it thus the "As little sleep as possible" routine is going on this week in conjunction. I just want to be normal, or dead. One or the other but let's get on with it.