I posted this on a seizure forum but wanted to bring it here to PC since I've been a long time member (on occasion MIA) and trust everyone here more than other sites I do not know.

Really I'm just having a hard day. Some days my faith gets me through the day, other days I wonder, if it really is what I'm destined to have, if it is a part of me and always has been and always will be for some reason or another. I just need to talk about it I guess, with people who understand, no one I currently know understands what it's like... The uncertainty and the dependence, and it's hard for them to understand why I feel the way I do. Here is the post from the other site (copied and pasted)

"So I'm new here and new to this. Let me start out by saying I have not been diagnosed with epilepsy just yet. And please bear with me while I go over an extensive history here...

I grew up in a dysfunctional family. Quite a bit of abuse in my childhood. And some bad abuse as well. I've also always had blackouts so long as I can remember. So needless to say, the doctors attributed my blackouts to a dissociative disorder. A couple psychiatrists throughout my life have said they believed that my blackouts could have been seizure related but they were not neurologists nor did they know anything about it, and I never followed up with a neurologist. I always assumed seizures were the grand mal type and that's it.

So fast forward to 2009, I was at work on my first day. I had been standing for quite a bit when everything started seeming far away and going black. The next thing I know I can hear muffled voices. I eventually came to and it took a good 5 minutes or so before I could hear or understand what anyone was saying. I was vomiting uncontrollably and had a horrible headache. I ended up vomiting all overmyself so I went home to change. I was so incredibly tired so I took a nap at home before I went to the hospital a few hours later. At the hospital we called my work to find out what happened. They said I just collapsed. The doctors said I fainted. Then comes the summer of 2011. I was with my fiance and my friends when I got up to use the restroom. When I went back into the living room to sit down and when I went to sit down everything went black.

The next thing I know I'm on the floor with muffled voices all around. I can't hear or see at first and eventually the hearing and vision came back. I started vomiting instantly and got really tired. Everyone was freaking out. My fiance was hysterical crying. Apparently when I went to sit down I flopped down. It was dark and my fiance didn't see at first but he knows I have an issue with my stomach and he noticed my shirt was pulled up near my bra. He tried to get my attention to see why I wasn't pulling my shirt down and I didn't respond. They ran and turned the lights on and I was all twisted and my eyes in the back of my head. After a minute I started shaking uncontrollably and fell off the couch shaking. He said after the shaking I collapsed and went limp. After a minute of being limp I started shaking again and my body started twisting. I went limp again before I finally came out of it.

For the following few days I kept having mini episodes. Everything seemed like it went far away and I'd lose consciousness for 20-60 seconds. My fiance said I would roll my eyes into the back of my head or my eyes would dart around and I wouldn't respond.

Then everything calmed and stopped. Everything seemed to go back to normal until May of 2012. I had gotten up for work and my fiance was driving me to work in the morning. We were still on our road when everything started seeming far away. In an effort to not blackout I tried to talk and could barely get out "Pretty stars" (it was early in the morning). My whole body started tingling really bad and I got this bad pressure in my head. Next thing I know I'm far down the road and my fiance is yelling my name, all muffled again of course. Apparently I collapsed into his lap and didn't move or respond. He was driving holding me up so he could find a place to pull over. I came out with ears ringing, pain in my neck and vomiting out the car window while we drove to the hospital.

They said that was a seizure. They said the one at the friends and the ones following the friends were seizures. But at the time I did not have medical. It was $300 to see a neurologist and all the neurologist said was "come back if it happens again". I'm on no medication. But thankfully I haven't had another episode since May 2012. Now I have insurance but they don't want to cover "past medical conditions" so I have no idea where to go from here. It doesn't seem like they happen all the time, just every once in a while. I don't get them regularly but when I look back on my past blackouts there are so many similarities.

Like almost 5 years ago. I was sitting on the couch watching TV when I blacked out. The next thing I know I'm in the bathroom vomiting. I don't know how I got there but I had a horrible headache. I have flash memories of that day but it lasted hours. I kept coming to in different places vomiting and with a horrible headache. I was all groggy and out of it coming to as well. I went to the hospital. I don't know what happened there as I only have flashes. They didn't run any tests or anything, an ambulance picked me up and put an oxygen mask on me and I had a vomit bag because I kept vomiting. But I don't know what happened at all at the hospital or even before the hospital. But going into these blackouts and coming out of them always seem the same as the seizures I had. So I may have been having seizures all along like my psychiatrists long ago said they believed.

So now I'm just waiting. To see if it happens again, if or when. I cant drive for at least two more years because of the last one in May. I can't work full time any more because of the fear of having one at work has severely effected my anxiety going anywhere. I'm along a lot and it's just very unsettling. Another instance, about a year ago I was starting to cook lunch. I came to sit on the couch while it heated up and everything got far away again and the next thing I know everything seemed muffled. I could barely hear my dog barking in the background and eventually was able to hear the smoke detectors going off. The house was full of smoke. I don't know how long I was out but the food was black. My dog passed away since that time but he was always really good at telling when episodes were about to start or when it was happening. He's bark every time and growl at me. I miss that dog, it became a comfort to know I had an alert system.

So here I am, waiting and wondering if it will ever happen again, without medication, without doctors, just waiting.

Sorry for writing so much and not really saying anything but I don't know anyone who has had an experience with seizures, I have known some people in the past before I knew about the seizures but have since lost contact so I have no one to talk to about this, and how afraid I am, no one who knows at least what it's like to go through this. Thank you for taking the time to read and listen."