The title pretty much sums it up. This week hasn't been great. Every single time I've gone to sleep, I've dreamt that I'm being chased or killed by someone. (interesting observation I'd be terrified to bring up: often being killed by germans. I think t is german. what does this mean?!). If I don't have THAT delightful dream I have the other now reoccurring nightmare that either I'm being told that my sessions have run out, or t telling me I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve therapy and that she doesn't ever want to see me again.
Often accompanied by waking in a panic when I hear noises and think it's someone trying to get into my bedroom.

Last night I couldn't sleep, and circa 1am I kind of relived this incident that occurred when I was 12. For the first time, instead of pushing it out of my mind, I wrote down the specific things I remembered. (even typing this now is making me lightheaded). things like the sensations of him and all the sensory information, i just could feel it as strong as if it was yesterdayinstead of 9 years ago.
i rread what i'd written and nearly threw up, i was triyng to stop myself throwing up and then thought i was going to passout and freaked out because tha'ts never happened in relation to that incident. im' freaking out now i just don't know how to handle it.

i was meant to have therapy at 8am this morning, i set my alarm for 6:15 and 6:25 as i usually do and woke up with a jolt at 8:05am. the one time I really really NEEDED it and I slept through. I'm struggling. I don't know what to do. I phoned up straight away to let them know but only spoke to the receptionist. I'm seeing her on Monday (I have twice-weekly appts) and I know it isn't that far away but I just need some support. I think I just need her steadiness or understanding. Which is interesting because I've worked so hard to not let myself need ANYTHING from her. But I would just like to hear her voice, or just something reassuring. I just don't know what to do with myself. It's the first time I've missed an appointment. Just more than anything I want an appointment right now. waa.