So true about lies. All it takes is one and then it gets harder and harder to trust.

In regards to your ex, who cares what he is saying about you to the kids. They WILL figure it out. The best power you have in all of those is to not say anything. It will drive any narcissist out of their mind! Then they are wondering what you are thinking and you my dear, have all the power in that regard. Communicate ONLY on a need to know basis. It will save your sanity.

Get selfish for once. You worry about you. You worry about how you can change yourself. No matter how hard you beat your head against the wall, he will not change unless he wants to. When you see him act his usual way, just think to yourself, "Yep, that's about right. Par for the course." Then you won't be upset because you are used to dealing with it and are not desperately looking for a different kind of behavior.

Divorce is not pretty, even under the BEST circumstances. I wish you the best.