I've read all the new posts a few times now and thought it was time to reply.

Thank you! Yes, my problems do go back to my childhood, but it is a problem for me that I don't remember much of them. I can't have an argument with my parents about this (they're very fond of arguing) because I just can't remember what it was, how I felt, what happened, what they did or how things were. I know that I wasn't physically abused and that I shouldn't trust them, but apart from a few things that happened recently that's about it. Every now and again I remember something else, and then I forget it.

I'm not able to say that to him, because that would be a lie. The truth is I don't want to be drug-free, I don't even want to be more drug-free. I just want to do drugs all the time. I want to call some "friends" and buy heroin and speed. I'm not going to do that, however, because I also want to feel like I'm giving myself the best chance I have, and I don't want to cause pain to the people in my life. It's the same reason I don't attempt suicide. I know this might sound horribly immature, but if you had my thoughts and feelings for a day I think you would understand. I am aware that I will use a lot of these thoughts and feelings to feed my addiction.

The things you said about allergy and nutrition are interesting. I need to try some nutritional changes eventually, it might help with my bipolar too, so I'll look into it.

This is really nice to hear. It gives me hope.

That's my goal right now. I'm going to find some level of use where I can be stable (with meds probably), and then give it some time, a few weeks maybe, and see if I can't push on a little more. I do want to give abstinence a chance some time, but right now I feel that I don't have the coping skills to replace the self-medication with anything less harmful.

I can't afford private care, and the public mental health care system in Norway is very focused on specific diagnoses. It's difficult to get good treatment if you have complex issues, especially if they involve substance abuse. People in Norway do not think highly of substance abusers, as in most other countries too I guess, and this way of thinking seems to affect the public care health system as well. The pervading way of thinking seems to be "you got yourself into this mess, we're not going to waste money on people who don't take responsibility for their lives and who have poor prognoses". The treatment they give for addictions (if you're lucky and get it) is generally quite good I think, but when you need help for other diagnoses they normally don't want to treat you until you stop doing drugs entirely. Which is fine for the people who are able to do that before they solve their other issues, but I haven't managed to do so yet. Last time I checked there was only one treatment centre in Norway (I've been there, they mainly focused on the addiction and everything else was very general) for people who have a dual diagnosis (substance abuse and comorbid mental illness).