I can understand what you mean. I struggled with accepting my diagnosis for anorexia a month ago. I had been assessed in an ED treatment centre then referred to a therapist. The therapist thinks that I have anorexia and I didn't like hearing that. I contacted the ED treatment centre and asked what their diagnosis was. They said they can understand why the therapist thinks I have anorexia but they would have diagnosed me with EDNOS (because I always had my period). I still struggle to accept the diagnosis. But the one thing that keeps me sane is thinking that it doesn't matter what the specific diagnosis is. An ED is an ED. The treatment centre said that all EDs are treated the same way.

At the end of the day, we are the only ones who can help ourselves. No therapist, family or friend can force us to get out of this rut that we are in. We can pretend to get better then indulge in our ED behaviours behind people's backs. But who does that benefit? We have to want to change things for ourselves. We have to try to let go of the 'control freak' in us. That control freak could be the voice of the ED, or it could just be us.

I go through cycles too. Sometimes I eat somewhat normally, or what I think is close to normal. Sometimes I binge-eat a lot, sometimes I throw up. Sometimes I want to let the ED take control of everything and restrict my eating, overexercise and whatnot. I can go through all these cycles in one week!

I guess you have to ask yourself whether you really do want to recover right now. I think that you have to want to do it to be able to have any form of success. Also, have you noticed any factors that may contribute to your cycles or trigger them? Maybe the weather, your moods, stress, certain people etc?