My pdoc's scheduling person just called today (Friday) to remind me about an appointment Monday.

This would have been the first appointment since I lost my job in November. I had an appointment scheduled 1 month ago, but when they called to confirm I realized I hadn't written it down so I hadn't budgeted for it.

Today I told the caller, "I no longer have insurance. I can't afford to come in. I'm going to have to cancel."

She said, "OK. Do you want to reschedule?"

I said, "No. I don't see my situation changing for a while."

She said, "You could always do payments."

I didn't know payments were possible.

A 15-minute with my pdoc is $95.

I am now to the point where I have $100 of savings left, a few more weeks of unemployment, and that's it. My minimum bills just to get by each week are higher than what is coming in from unemployment.

I'm waiting to get a small settlement from a car wreck a few months ago (which wasn't my fault).

But I'm apprehensive to spend $95 that I currently do not have, even knowing the settlement money will make its way to me within the next few weeks.

After we hung up, I wondered if I should've done the payments and just made it work.

I don't know what I would say to the pdoc at this point, having not been there since November, only refilling my Wellbutrin once, and now taking 1 pill every few days rather than twice a day.

I've mostly been depressed.

I haven't had even a tiny bit of hypomania, which I crave because I need to be knocked into creativity to get back to writing.

I've had a few episodes of rage (like the cat peeing everywhere, which is sitll going on, by the way).

I just don't know which direction to go.

Meanwhile, it has been almost two weeks since I've seen or talked to my son (who moved out on his own for the first time the beginning of Feb.), which makes me very sad. And it has been 6 days since I have spoken to anyone in person or had a hug (which was a lame hug from an acquaintance and did not involve any skin or emotion), and it has been a LONG TIME since I've touched another human being.

Is it weird that I go for so long without touching another human being? If I ever do find someone and start a relationship, I'm going to be like a skittish wild animal, unable to touch or be touched because it's been so long and feels so foreign.