I should make an appointment, I've tried but it's a pain in the neck working with these in network doctors. I'll also have to pay a big chunk of money for the EEG.

My boss also gave me a form at work Tuesday saying she needed it filled out as soon as possible. Our insurance changed and I had to pick my new plan. She gave it to me Tuesday but the form said it had to be returned by Feb 28th, if my insurance has been cancelled I'm gonna go ape crazy on them.

Anyways, when I went to the neurologist from the first seizure he literally said he didn't want to break the bank with a CT scan and to go back if I had another seizure. I was seeing my regular doctor at the time, a therapist and a pdoc and they all said they didn't think I would have another. Then I had another. And again they all said they didn't think I would have another. My primary care doc said he thought it was migraines causing my blackouts and the seizures and kept trying to give me lithium for some reason, and lithium made me crazy. Bad. My pdoc kept trying to give me antidepressants and I told her from the get go that anti depressants have always made me depressed. She also kept giving me a medication that says can worsen seizures.

So I stopped seeing them. I also stopped seeing my t because I felt like he was more concerned over the possibility of DID than the seizures. He thought the seizures were DID related and for a while there I thought they might have been too. He had me almost convinced that my only issue was DID. He never let it go either. I'd try to discuss things that were really upsetting me that day and he'd say "We can't always have small talk here, eventually we're going to have to get into the DID stuff" and would make me feel really pressured by saying things like "I'm not trying to pressure you but if we don't get through to your parts soon we're going to have to start moving into the schizophrenia or psychotic field" so I stopped seeing him.

The neuro just got too expensive. My first appointment to see him was only $150 but every appointment after that was $300 down. He was also a lousy doctor and all the doctors I've met have low opinions of the neuro I saw. There are 2 other neuros in town, but I'll need a referral from my primary doc (which I haven't established yet) to get me in to a neuro.

My insurance change sucks too, the prices were raised but the quality went down. My co pays and deductibles are almost double what they were on some areas.

I'm also kind of afraid of the EEG. I've been waiting 2 years already to get my license back and still have another two years to go. If I have an EEG and it induces a seizure, will they suspend my license from that seizure?

A thing that really worries me is an article I read online. Someone who has one seizure is not very likely to have another but if they have two seizures they are like 75% more likely to continue having them. I've had two confirmed seizures and a lot from my past that seem to follow the same routine as the two confirmed seizures.

I'm sorry I just don't want this. I want to go back to the day where I thought I was just dissociating when things were too much. I want to go back to thinking it's mental and not physically something wrong. It's scary and I feel like my own body is attacking me. It's a whole other way of feeling victimized. At least in most cases when I am being attacked now, I can run away from the attacker, but with the seizures, I can't run away from it, I'm being attacked from the inside is pretty much how I feel.

And it doesn't help that my uncle was telling me that my cousin had seizures as a child and it almost killed her. Doesn't help at all. I also have a fear of medication, especially new medication. To go on medication for this really scares me.

Since they gave me ativan immediately after my last seizure and the hospital told me that it helped to stop seizures, they gave me a perscription for it too. I still have them and carry them with me in case it were to happen again I could take it. I wonder if I could take it before hand too and if that would reduce the actual seizure? I only feel slightly comfortable with taking that and only because I've been on it before.

I do need to talk to a doctor about this though. I've been self medicating (even though I was given the ativan and don't even take them) once or twice a day I use a small ammount of medical marijuanna to help with this. I was a user before because I liked it but stopped after the second seizure and just started again last week. But I don't use regularly and not like I did. My intent is not to ever get high, especially since getting high peaks my anxiety, I use to protect myself from seizures, and I use a minimal ammount. But I don't want to keep doing that because it's illegal. I think it should be legallized but I have a clean record, I don't want anything to taint that. But until I get some answers for the seizures I am using the medical kind (which btw is super expensive oh my goodness!) for this.

But I will call my doctor today to make an appointment and hopefully get the ball rolling. I'll need to sit down and write out a long list of all my blackouts and try to remember what happened leading up to them and after them, since the more I think about them the more similar they seem to the seizures I had.

The longest I went without an episode was two years, the first two years my fiance and I were dating. So hopefully I can go at least another 6 months, enough time to get this sorted with the doctor.

But my fiance is convinced I had these seizures because I was on the Mirena. I thought so to for a while, until I started examining my history in blackouts. He's still convinced and thinks that the more thought I put into the seizures, the more likely it will happen again. He thinks I should just forget about it and move on with my life. Boy do I wish I could! But the uncertainty of it has really gotten to me.

Well I'm off to make an appointment with my primary doctor. Wish me luck, I haven't met her before so we'll see how she is :/