I am writing this post, both as a call for help and in hopes of getting some opinions or advice.

As I stated in one of my previous posts, I am chronically depressed. I've been this way for many years, but within the last year or so, it's been getting harder and harder for me to cope. I'm not on meds at this time, and don't know when I'll be able to start (insurance is an issue). I could probably go to an emergency room, explain my symptoms, and be prescribed something, but this would only be a short term solution and I don't want to start an anti-depressant without knowing for sure that I'll be able to continue use. I've heard that the withdrawals for these meds are insane if you don't ween off of them correctly.

So, with that said, I'm trying to find out what I should do. I have lost all desire to live, to do anything anymore. I'm attending school right now, just completed a research requirement, but at this point I just don't know if I even want to continue. I look at everything in my life and find that nothing has changed or improved within the last 4 years of my life. In fact, things continuously get worse. There is nothing in my past or present life that shows me that I even deserve to live. I have nothing. I am nothing. The conditions I live in are deplorable, and I have no way out. I have no friends, or anyone to confide in. I feel like each time I try to have a positive attitude, it's the wrong thing to do. It seems as if something always happens to show me that I shouldn't try to be content, happy. I'm tired of trying, basically. I've been proven time and time again, that nothing I do will improve my life, or at least my mental health. I want to try and go on because I want to be here for the few people that do love me, but I don't know. Something tells me that it's over. I don't want to live like this, but really, what can I do?\

In addition to the above, I''m experiencing thoughts, that in the past, others have said are not "right." For example, I feel like certain people love to see me struggle and hurt. I truly believe because of things that were either said to me that certain people enjoy the fact that I am miserable. This bothers me because I question whether or not I deserve this treatment or not. I've not been a perfect person in the past, you know, I've made some bad choices. And I keep thinking that because of this, I deserve the hell that I am living in right now. I feel like if I were a worthy person, deserving of love, respect, and good things in life, I wouldn't be going through this and would at least have one person by my side. What a I supposed to do at this point? How a I supposed to let all of this not trouble me? It's just been too long, and I am now convinced that this is the way my life will be. But if this is the case, I don't want to live anymore.

I worry that I may be suffering from something more than depression. Like I stated above, people have told me that my thinking is distorted. Could I be schizophrenic? Others kn ow, but it seems to me that they are more willing to keep their assumptions to themselves, make me feel stupid because I am not normal, than they are to just say what they think to me, rather than go and spread my business around to other people, including strangers. I just want to know what's wrong with me. That's my purpose for reaching out and sharing my story. I just want to know.

Does anyone have any advice for me that they don't mind sharing? I will appreciate any responses. I'm trying to decide whether I just want to give up on everything, school included, and just accept that this is the way my life has to be.