Precious,
I'm only speaking about my experiences. I hope it's helpful, but if it's not, please just disregard.

I kept my ED around for more than 30 years because it was doing something for me. My life was hard - sadly much like many people's was - full of all kinds of horrors and abuse. I was too broken, beaten down and ashamed of who I was to think that I deserved any happiness or peace. I was too afraid to speak or feel. I bottled everything up and locked it behind a dissociative wall. I was totally numb. And my only outlet was to eat. I stuffed myself silly dozens of times a day, purging each time b/c I didn't deserve to eat.

The b/p routine kept me isolated (and in my mind, safe). It kept me busy, so I didn't have time to think. It gave me a (false) sense of control. It kept me numb, so I didn't have to come to terms with my life - the past, present or future. It was an excuse if I failed at something. It made me feel superior (I can stay thin and eat whatever I want).

It did all that. And it almost killed me several times.

The only way I've emerged from the viscious b/p cycle is to use my mouth for something else: speaking.

My ED was still very active when I started therapy just over 2 years ago (for the 3rd time). And I didn't know my T, so I had to learn to trust her. But eventually, it was safe for me to begin to process some of the things I can remember. I used EMDR and somatic experience therapy, plus medication to break down some of the walls.

I went to a partial hospitalization program for EDs and followed it up with months of intensive outpatient. It was hard, it was expensive, but I knew I finally wanted to get well and live in peace.

Last year, I had more than 350 days without b/p. This year I've been completely b/p free. I don't think I ever will again. Why? Because I matter. I have a voice. I count. I am a precious child of God and hurting myself hurts my Father.

I pray mightily that you find the will and inspiration to chase your own dreams. To live your own life, free of this horrible cycle. There is so much more to life than a box of donuts, a few gallons of ice cream and a twinkie. I promise!
Bub