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Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp
But one thing there never was/is in the marriage and that's passion - that thrill, excitement, romance! And till now I've always convinced myself that I din't need these feelings
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So you were trying to will your feelings and let your rational part rule your feelings and you failed. Accept that you failed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp
Despite being hit upon many times by different men in the past I have never responded in word or action and never felt the need either but somehow with this guy I felt a thrill, a longing even yearning and I flirted back.
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That points to your discriminating taste - you respond to a very low percentage of applicants. I am the same way. There is no issue with it - it is just an intrinsic feature of yours. It is not positive or negative - it is just your feature.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp
but he makes me feel desired and that makes me feel awesome.
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What exactly is wrong with that? is that he makes you feel desired wrong? is that feeling desired makes you feel awesome wrong? which part is wrong, or both?
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp
Even as I type this I hate myself and think people will judge me.
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Those two issues are independent. You clearly should not hate yourself because it is entirely stupid to do so. So that should just be stopped, if you can. If you cannot stop hating yourself, then you have a pervasive issue which should be addressed.
What other people would do is outside of our control. They may judge you, which you may not be able to control. It does not seem that you are a severe threat to humanity (no terrorist attack plans described so far), so people's judging you would be a severe overreaction, but still, it may happen, because it is not controllable.
Hating yourself BECAUSE you think that others would judge you is extra stupid.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp
How can I have such feelings for another man?
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Why are you being so analytical about feelings? Are you so analytical about the whole spectrum of your feelings or have you singled out the attraction to this man and decided to apply analysis towards it while being more experiential and less judgmental about the rest of your feelings?
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp
All my life I never ever, not even once felt that romance, that excitement and just sheer pleasure/passion.
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There are two things in this sentence: 1) a statement of fact about your history. 2) a manifestation of your satisfaction in feeling that excitement now.
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Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp
I am not a naive, unrealistic romantic expecting roses and champagne.
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Roses and champagne are an American cultural cliche associated with romance. It has no meaning and can safely be dropped from your active vocabulary.
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Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp
But yes, to be be loved crazily, to just for once have passion in sex - I don't even know what I want but I have this sinking feeling that once I reach 40 and past, these feelings will never, ever enter my life.
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Luckily, reaching age 40 does not cause anything drastic in that regard. In my experience, the only two things that do cause drastic damage are either severe depression or the broad sexual side effects of some drugs, or a combination thereof. Other than that, nothing happens at age 40. So if you feel that you have a deadline, no, you do not. If you are only motivated by the sense of urgency caused by what you perceive to be your approaching a point of no return, you can drop that worry safely.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedandneedhelp
(1) deny my feelings, (2) maintain status quo?
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Those two issues are independent. Denying your feelings is never a good idea, just as denying the fact of your existence is never a good idea, so no, you clearly should not deny your feelings. Maintaining the status quo refers to actions/goal-oriented activity, and in that regard there are many ways to proceed, none of them right or wrong. So that can be discussed at length, but denying your feelings is clearly a wrong way to go.