Just an update: I'm doing much better today. The thoughts are gone for the time being. I discussed the ER with my t yesterday, and she said to go if I start to scare myself. I told her that I didn't want to go unless it was 100% necessary because of the expense in both time and money; she replied that the ER is still cheaper than a funeral.

I think I found the root of my desire to die. I feel suicidal when I realize how disappointed I am with life. Life hasn't been what I was hoping it would be, and the discrepancy between the actual and the ideal tortures me. Now I need to figure out how to better my life, or learn how to accept it as it is.