All -
It is so important that you know you CAN recover. My heart aches for you right now because I've been where you are. Just putting one foot in front of the other and gritting your teeth, hanging on by grim determination only. Never expecting it to get any better. Assuming, in fact, that things will just slowly get much worse.

You've tried so hard already. You've done inpatient and outpatient. You have a therapist. You're want to succeed, but at the same time, don't REALLY think you can. I'm here to say, YES YOU CAN.

I was inpatient (twice) long enough ago to remember when insurance paid for it. And it lasted as long as you needed it (ahhh, the good old days) and I still didn't give up my ED. I got incrementally better, but in the back of my mind, I knew that I couldn't face life without my comforter and protector, ED. It was part of my identity. I was ED and it was me. Without it, I'd be nothing. That's too hard to face, so I didn't.

Instead of heading rapidly to the grave, I did a slow dance with death. I was never fully alive either. That numbness I felt; living death that slowly eats away at a person's psyche. I watched others succumb to their disease. Even knowing that literal death was a legitimate possibility, I just couldn't break free.

So, what did help?

In my case, it was getting introduced to a real Lord and Savior. Now I don't want to get preachy on you. Learning about Jesus worked for me, but that doesn't mean that Jews, Atheists or Muslims will never recovery. After all, 12 step programs work for others. For me, the trick was coming to believe in something outside myself that I could truly believe loved, honored, cherished, adored and longed for a relationship with me. Not ED! Just me.

By keeping one foot in ED's presence, I was denying God my full devotion. Let's face it, husbands and boyfriends come and go. It's a rare friend indeed who loves us unconditionally, even assuming that you have friends, since ED is such a damn isolationist. Parents might even mean well, though sadly sometimes they don't, and still manage to say the wrong thing each and every time. It seems like the world is full of sharp corners, pointy things and potholes - nothing is really safe. And if nothing is safe, why give up the one thing that works to some degree: ED.

But it's your perception that's wrong. Sure, the world really is full of crap, and ED can sometimes blunt the pain, but because I know that God loves me (best of all! ) there is joy, wonder, happiness, fullness and life in every small moment. When I turn on my lamp and light comes out - there's gratitude. When I come to PC and am inspired, there's gratitude. When I let my soul peak out and I (almost) have a genuine feeling, there's gratitude. Just having these glimpses of wholeness make me turn my back on ED finally. And ... just like that ... I am free.

Love and hugs to you all.
Bub