Quote:
Originally Posted by bornbroken
I kind of think I was born with low self esteem. People have always told me I'm beautiful/ smart/ talented. And I have an amazingly loving family but I remember even as early as kindergarten hating that I was bigger than the other girls and noticing that the smallest girl in the class got the most piggybacks. I didn't think of myself as fat, just that there was something wrong.
And when I'm told stories of me as a baby apparently I could just be left alone for a good half hour with no toys and I'd be content. And when I fell I'd pick myself back up. I still can simply sit and observe and when I'm hurt pyhsically/emotionally I avoid others but now I know why; I'm uncomfortable with attention and I don't want to be an attention seeker because no one wants to deal with my issues that I'm just making a big deal of.
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I would agree that some people are possibly born with a tendency for things like low-self esteem because their personality makes them more easily offended etc. You know, some people are more sensitive than others, like me for example.
But, I'm really the opposite. I crave attention. I THRIVE on it. I'm a performer anyway and by the way I look, no one is going to forget me. But I can't connect with others in anything other than a superficial way. And if I try to connect at a deeper levels I become terrified that the person is going to hurt me. And not necessarily emotionally—with guys I'm afraid that they will physically hurt me in very bad ways and I honestly see them as monsters and start avoiding them. I mean, I know what happens if I get too close to a guy or even try to... And with girls, I become more and more jealous of them the more I know them and it's really bad for my self-esteem to be around them and see how they have things that I want (like say a relationship for example). Or I'll become attracted to them...but it's worse for guys if I become attracted to them (I will avoid them as much as possible). But then, what do I know? Apparently my current psychiatrist doesn't believe that I have AvPD at all...that I just have long-term depression, anxiety, and a mood disorder.