sorry for being a board hog today...

I wrote about J earlier today, and this is about another difficult relationship in my life, a girl friend called K.

When I met her we really clicked and I soon started to see her as a big part of my life. She's a good listener so I confided in her a lot. But I lashed out at her one day when I was going through a bad period. She didn't talk to me for awhile but I apologized and we made up. But after that it wasn't the same. I'd try and invite her to meet up but she always declined, mostly because she was busy with schoolwork. It was too much rejection and disappointment and I stopped trying to invite her. Secretly I hoped that she would see it was her turn to invite me, but nothing. lots of pain everytime I saw her hanging out with someone else on facebook. I decided to give up on her, which I guess in abandonment issue terms means I decided to reject her because I felt rejected.

Then last month I had to have surgery and needed someone to pick me up from the hospital. I kinda used the surgery as an excuse to reach out to K. It worked because she agreed to come to the hospital, and then I felt reassured that she liked me and started contacting her again.

This week I took a big risk and invited her to come with me to a flower park I'd been wanting to go to. She agreed, but said she'd be bringing some friends she already had plans with (immediate pang of jealousy, I always wanted to be her number one). I said ok of course. Then she said hey why don't you come to the wine bar with me and my friends tonight. Things seemed to be going well. But that night ended up being really triggering for me. Her and her friends obviously kept in touch on a regular basis and I felt rejected for not being a regular part of the group like they are. There were 6 of us there so it was hard for me to get a word in edgewise with everyone talking. I like one on one the best... K wanted to go to an all night party because some guy she met on OK cupid was going... I said I couldn't do an all nighter because I wanted to go to that flower park on Saturday. K ended up getting one of the other girls to go with her. I felt bad at the end of the night because I had wanted to catch up with K and talk about what had been going on in my life - changing schools etc, but I didn't get a chance. I emailed J on the way home saying that I felt bad and that it looks like I have to go to the flower park by myself since K is doing an all nighter... He didn't respond of course.

The next morning I emailed K just in case she was awake and still wanting to go to the flower park with me. She said she'd be a little bit late and since I had dance practice that evening I should go ahead and she'll catch up later.... she's not a very punctual person. She got there just as I was having to leave to get to dance practice so I didn't even get to see her. That triggered my abandonment issues so bad. I didn't even enjoy the flower park even though it was a nice day. I had been hoping to get some quality talking time in with her but obviously it didn't happen. I really wish I had people in my life that I could share activities like this with but it's depressing that I have no one to go to these things with... I was on the verge of tears the whole time at the park. I emailed J and told him how I was feeling and that I know I shouldn't be emailing him but he's the only one who understands me...no response of course.

I went to dance practice still feeling bad...I had a couple of beers and started to feel better. But after practice finished the feelings of emptiness came back. I have friends at dance practice but just on a very superficial level. I wish I had people in my life that I could talk to about what's going on in my life. J is the only person who actually asks me about what's going on with me and stuff... but I won't see him much after Tuesday... and I thought he was really my friend but if he won't let me talk to him about anything serious than maybe he's not my friend... I just feel like I have nothing