Hi confused,

Thank you for sharing. It is natural for anyone to want to feel wanted and desired. There is a certain thrill in developing a bond with someone new in our lives. It is like a new adventure, shiny and exciting.

I noticed you said you have a “decent marriage” and your husband is a “decent, nice man.” You also mentioned you have “grown up” with him. On top of these good things, you have a “wonderful child.” However, you feel that there has never been passion. You know the thing about passion is… it can be fixed, especially with someone you love and who loves you. It all starts with good communication and understanding one another. By investing in your husband, you invest in yourself and your family. Talk to him, tell him your concerns. If you see a problem in your marriage, which you do, emphasize to him how important it is to you to remedy this. He is a decent, nice man, I am sure he will be eager to make you happy once he knows how serious this matter is.

It is important to understand that most relationships go through “passion-less” episodes and it takes work to keep the fire going. IF things were ever to escalate between you and this other man, the passion might be intense initially but inevitably it will die down and the fantasy will become reality. Except there will be a lot of hurt with it by that time.

As far as having feelings for this other man, those are feelings that can develop easily with people we enjoy being with. You are struggling with temptation it sounds like and that it what is causing your struggle. I might ask this of you… imagine if your child was all grown up and married and was a good marriage partner – decent and nice. What if you found out their marriage mate was in your position? What if they were having feelings for another person and were becoming tempted? What if they told you that they longed to spend time with this other person and talk to them even though they still loved your son/daughter? Would you encourage them to explore those feelings? How do you think your son/daughter would feel if they found out that their marriage mate whom they loved was longing to be with someone else much of the time?

You DO deserve passion in your life. Yes, you do. But that passion should be with the person you made a promise to. It sounds like you have a pretty good marriage overall. Give your marriage everything you have. That means knowing each other and being honest and upfront about each other’s needs. Look out for each other.

This other guy, he might be a great guy. You’ve obviously spent much time getting to know each other. However, at this point you only know what he wants you to know. I am certain there are things about him, as there is with everyone, that are less appealing. The fact that he understands you are married and has subtly placed you in this predicament concerns me.

Apparently, you have two great guys in your life. You need to let them both know what YOU need from them. Your husband needs to know that you need passion – from him. Your friend needs to know that things are becoming too confusing and probably too close. If he is the great guy he portends to be, he should do the decent thing and back off.

As for 40 or any other age… age is what we make of it. You can have all the passion and excitement in your life that you want for as long as you want. It’s up to you. Don’t let a number scare you. Make your life what you want it to be with your husband right by your side as he has been for a big part of your life.