When you have internalised enough of something better you won't return to what was toxic. But until then we do return hoping for a different outcome. We return to that tiny bit we did love. Yes we hate but there were bits we loved of that person. It's also familiar. Getting better is scary.

This is part of your journey. Perhaps you will find another T where you are.

Perhaps you unconsciously need to be reminded that there really isn't another ending, a happy ending. But you can change your ending. It doesn't have to include the toxic people n our life's. but the tie to them feels so natural we cannot imagine making a happy ending without them.