I think I've just worked out something really big... I've been really sexually confused for ages. I'm not interested in men at all. Like at all. I dont see the attraction. Ive tried being with men for the 'normality' but it just doesnt feel right and it doesnt feel like its worth the effort.
I've always thought I was gay, or known, deep down. Ive tried being with women and it goes really well and I really like them. Until it comes to the sexual stuff.. I don't like it. It excites me and I want to. But at the same time I feel repulsed and disgusted and I always feel dirty and guilty after. I thought maybe that I wasnt gay. I thought maybe I was asexual. I really didnt know what to think. But its just dawned on me.. maybe its because of everything she ever did to me (my abuser in the past). Maybe thats where these feelings arise from..

You might tihnk that sounds really obvious and in a way it does to me as well now.. but Ive never realised.

Hopefully, its good. Hopefully it means I can deal with my past and be able to have normal relationships in the future.