When I started to think that this site could be an "emotional home" for me - a place I could go to feel safe and secure, to be with kindred spirits who could, at the very least, empathize with me and offer solace - never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would start to behave as though this were my "real" family. And yet, judging by my personal reactions recently, I have to admit that this is exactly what is happening to me.

I am absolutely stunned at this! I want to deny this one so badly, but I cannot.

The slow disintigration I have been feeling about myself this past month has left me wondering if what I am doing here is actually going to help me.

At first, it was so exciting! There ARE people out there who truly understand who and what I am! I was "home," I thought...

Then the moodiness began. The triggers from posts; reading about past hurts and current pain and struggles. I could "feel" everyone's pain through their words, but that was ok, because I was sure that others probably felt the same at some point.

After that, I felt a sense of urgency about wanting to help and guide those who seemed to be struggling behind me - feeling as though I was somehow ahead of them on the path to "recovery" of my illness(es). It was like one sister trying to teach her younger sister the ropes; hoping to somehow protect her from something - what, I don't know, hurt maybe? - but damn it, she was gonna learn whether she wanted to or not! You know how bossy older brothers and sisters can be at pre-adolescence with power "sanctioned" by mom or dad; how they like to take some things upon themselves (yes, we do...)

Then came the anxiety - over the squabbles I was witnessing; the blaming, the chastising, the complaining. IT IS ALL BECOMING WAY TOO MUCH TO HANDLE... yet, there was this strange sense of attachment that had already developed - an attachment that felt familiar...

Finally, I felt as though I should start "walking around on eggshells," so as not to offend, not to make waves, not to hurt anyone, just like I had to do while growing up.

In a moment of great dispair and frustration of what I thought I may have created, I started deleting my saved messages, threads, my scant profile (exactly what I had done with all my personal effects and family memorabilia). I wanted to go. I no longer wanted to be here. I no longer wanted to exist here or anywhere. It angered me that I could not take back all that I had wrote, or delete my profile and leave - like I had never existed in the first place - exactly how I felt growing up and what I did (disappear for 13 years)...

Then it dawned on me. I am playing out the "family" game here! And all those that have responded to me, either through my own or others' posts, are my brothers and sisters now, and are subject to and apparently, fair game to the same feelings of anger, resentment, guilt, shame, blame, and accusations I felt with my own family. Yeah, sorry 'bout that. You may not have "read" it, but don't worry, I "felt" it.

This IS a family. And within it I am creating and playing out for myself, a replica of my family situation here, even if it has only begun mostly within my mind (I hope)! And if so, then what the hell am I doing here? I don't want to create that type of atmosphere in here, no matter how real or imagined it may be for me! I pulled away from my real family so they would not have to suffer the consquences of my destructive behaviours. And now I feel like I may have brought these behaviours here, to you, through words.

Words are powerful. That's exactly why I like to use them! They were an overwhelming influence on me as a child. I was terrified all the time - mostly because of the words that were spoken to me over and over; those words that continue to control me. As an adult, I used words to control my surroundings and the people I dealt with, personally and professionally. (Oh, insurance industry professional, for those who may be wondering...)

And yet, as this reality is unfolding in front of me, all I can do is sit here, in front of my computer, trying to deal with the surrealism (dissociation?) and personal humiliation I feel, just like I always have.

Is this going to happen with everyone I meet? Will this F****** cycle ever stop?? Am I destined to become only more aware of how ill I am? Is it meant to be this way? If I'm so smart, how come I never seem to learn? Sh**, didn't I just tell someone yesterday: "you are where you should be!" and "Keep going!" What a hypocrite I am! And I so hate hypocrisy.

I think I am freakin' myself out, here, badly. How does one stay connected without creating chaos? I don't know if I can do that! Just look at what I have created in my own mind? I don't trust myself enough to not let it become more manifest in words, especially with the possibiltiy of taking someone out in the process.

Yeah, I don't feel good about connecting anymore. I'm sorry...

Altered State