I guess I'm just venting or complaining, or maybe even pleading. I really don't know.
I'm in denial over the fact that I'm in a relationship that I don't want to be in, she is a very sweet and kind girl but I just don't see her in that way. It's been months now and I've tried to love her in every way that I can but I just can't. I've considered breaking up with her but I just can't do that, in one way I just don't want to hurt her, she's been so kind and loving and I've been nothing but an absolute monster. I scream, I'm so easily angered, I'm distant and resentful, I don't mean to be but I am abusive. I don't hit her or call her names but whenever we get into fights, I just get paranoid and seep into her mind and blame her for everything. Instead of talking about how I'm unstable and somewhat violent, I instead talk about how she is unsupportive and selfish, which is only true because she is so scared of attempting to get close to me. It's like playing russian roulette, I could be happy and loving or I could be angry and cruel. I feel horrible for the things that I do, I don't intend to but I just get lost within my deluded reality, it's everyone else and not me, I'm always so kind and supportive but people just aren't good enough and they hate me. It's this absolute madness that I constantly struggle to be rid of. And when I'm feeling guilty I can't help but try and turn my bad traits into badges of honour so that I can struggle to overwhelm my empathy till it no longer exists. I've always been like this but I could never see it, but when I finally realised the kind of person that I was, I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that I was one of those people, I was an abusive partner, I was a leech, I was a manipulative coward. And that's what I am, a coward because I can't even do the right thing and let her go, leave this relationship so that she can be done with me.
Along with all that, I can't stand talking to people that I enjoy being around because I'm afraid I'll have some kind of affair, physical or emotional. I don't trust my restraint and I don't want to hurt her like that, I especially don't want to end the relationship on those terms.

So yeah, I don't expect anyone to respond to this, I don't expect anyone to be supportive of my situation and I understand if you think I'm a degenerate and waste of life. I'm not a good person.
So yeah, I guess I'm just venting but if anyone does read this and I'm sure people will, if you have any advice for what I can do to fix this or how I can end the relationship in a way that won't be dangerous. She really is a lovely girl, she was so sweet and supportive when my last relationship practically broke me, but she isn't that stable herself and she has serious emotional and dependency issues, I am her self-esteem and she feels worthless without my constant support, which as you could guess hasn't been too good as of late.
I do regret ever bringing her into my life, I've done so much damage that it keeps me up at night. It needs to stop but I can't bring myself to end it. So yeah, I'm sorry if I have upset a few people, so yeah.