Don't seem to get much done these days. Everything seems wrong... unfair... I've lost touch with the core me. She's gone back into hiding, afraid to get hurt... and she's the strong one. Hmmm... Not good.

I go to bed early at night. I take a nap in the afternoon... something I haven't done in a very long time. When I wake up, my mind says "I don't want to be here." It's not life or the place... it's the situations that have come at me without invitation.

If I go back to sleep, I feel guilty, my nightmare of not finding the door comes back. Damned if I do. Damned if I don't.

I don't want to die. I want to LIVE! Really LIVE!! not exist from one day to the next. I don't want to be dependent on anyone and it seems I keep ending up there again and again, in one way or another. Every step I take it seems, I wind up stumbling and falling. I can get up, but I can't move forward. Everything I do seems to turn out wrong. Dreams pop like a big old soap bubble and I can't seem to get the soap mixture right to make another bubble. These words keep going around and around in my head:

Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe again

If I say "I'm too old for this" it's like giving up, losing hope... and I firmly believe that when one loses hope, it's all over. I'm not ready for that!! ...but I can't find the front door.