I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I come here and dump, people say get away from this man and still here I am asking for help. Not listening. That is just what it feels like. I don't know the answer. Maybe it is to leave , maybe not. I wish I jsut knew.

We have been in T working on things. Things were and are improving. But God things have so much fruther to go. On the plus side my H no longer calls me names, he no longer intimidates me, he doesn't force me to speak to him in order for him to move out of my way, but he is still so damn annoying.

It is small petty things I know, but I don't know if it is the kind of little sh** I can live w/ forever.
1. he twists my words around. Ex. we were talking about bills and he wants to cut off the internet. This is my only out let to the world. I told him no cut somewhere else. He knows the internet is something me and the kids use and he cares nothing about. He suggested I tell him where since "I knew everything", well he asked, so I suggested cut new mulch and fertlizer for the grass. You know if the gras dies it is less to mow, and you can mow over weeds and save lots on fertlizer. Mulch well just fluff it up and roll it over, not a priority. He got furious and said how about we get read of your horse. We spend 100 on hey each year and 50 on feed. thats what I spend on mulch and fertlizer. I told him no. You don't pay that I'm unemployeed and find a way to get that need met.

His goal is to have things his way, and if it can't be his way then to hurt you and make you feel like sh**. Shut you up or have you give in. Have 40.00 a mo internet w/ 2 teenagers and me, or get read of mine and my daughters pony. Ouch. that was designed to intimidate and hurt.

2. I saw some horses, I've always owned a horse, they were my life before I met my H. I used to love showing. I told my H I'd love to have one of those one day. A certin breed of horse. He said not as long as your married to me. WHAT????? Then he got pissed, and said you will never own another horse. I told him the likely hood of me having another horse was as likely as him having a 65 ford pick up. It ain't gonna happen for a long long time, but we can all dream. His answer was, One day I'll have one though. It was implied, I will not have a horse again.

3. He is just so black an white it drives me crazy. He is always badgering one of our children. The one most like me. I can understand how my son feels because I feel the same way in the eyes of his dad.

4. I feel like an expense not his his wife. Lets cut the Dr bill fund in half. So make it so that only 1200 a year is set aside for my H and my medical and dental. What kind of dream world is he living in. two dental visits w/ x rays is almost 400. God forbid any one need dental work done. We have T every week sometimes, or every 2 weeks at 50.00 a pop. His answer is well I guess we'll jsut have to stop going for a while. No that is the answer so you can no longer be held accountable.

I don't know. Some times I could care less. I think I'd be better off w/ out him. But I am so stupid. I care. I care about the man, but not enough to be subject to this forever. I can't continue to piss away years, and subject my children to this. He has improved so much. The other issues is you don't reward trying hard an improvement w/ divorce. That is just not right. I am just so torn, I feel so help less, so stupid, I don't know why it is so hard. If leaving were the right thing to do I think the decision would be so much more clear. It would no be so full of question. It should be a no brainer. That is not the case I really feel torn.