I'm really, really confused. I thought I had a break through yesterday but now I'm not so sure. I'm not sure who I want to be.

I think the constant sense of rejection in my life has left with this powerful drive to be wanted and to fit in. When I reflect on my life, I feel stupid. I feel like a chameleon. I have SUCH a strong drive to fit in I'd do almost anything.

I think thats part the reason I let my abuser do everything that she did. I was so young and unwanted by everyone that I'd let her abuse me at night for the attention she gave me in the day. She was the only person who ever really took me under her wing, admittedly shitly and she didnt treat me well either but she atleast treated me in some way, rather than just neglecting me completely. I don't know, I dont know how to feel towards her. I think I feel angry, more than anything but I just don't know.

I want to just be myself and be happy with that, but I've buried and changed so much I dont even who know what 'myself' is. I think I'm gay, I always have thought I was. But I really struggle with being with women in a sexual way as I find it disgusting and I feel dirty after. Im not sure if this is from the past or from something else but either way thats how I feel. I really enjoy the attention up til the sexual stuff and I do like being with women. I have virtually no interest in men.

Sometimes I wonder though whether the feelings I have towards woman are actually more in a longing to be cared for way. As in, because I feel like my Mum didnt want me. I want to be wanted by another woman. And its not sexual because of that. I also think this cause I tend to go for either women who act older and are the caring type or woman who actually are slightly older. I dont really get much attraction to women my age other than perhaps a slight fun element.

I don't know, I'm just really messed up. Anyone care to offer an opinion from the outside looking in?