I feel like I'm getting pushed along this self-destructive route, by I don't know what, and I don't really understand why. Like, I'm trying to think, "Why do I feel like hurting myself, cutting?" but I don't really have an answer. Maybe it's triggered by the cuts I saw on a guy's arm today... can't imagine his are self-inflicted... but it makes me want it. I'm in a very trigger-prone state lately, I guess.
What I really hate is that I'm stuck here. I can't hurt everyone... all these people who see the illusion of worth in me... I hate it. I really don't want to try anything anymore, it all takes too much effort, and I don't believe anything will help. Never has before. Medicine made me numb, counsellors didn't get it. Besides, this is who I am. Wretched mess.
Just keep getting worse. My stomach's giving me major protest to my eating (lack thereof)/over-exersize habits of late, but I can't give that up, because I feel terrible about myself, and worse when I eat. Ate a real meal today, and feel horrible about it.
And I feel horrible around people. I'd like to start excluding myself, but that'd only draw attention now, went asking for help I know I'll never find, and yeah, it feels good to have someone know and want to help, but nothing's going to help. Now I just have people who will notice if I'm not there and make it a point to find out why. Not that I want to be totally alone, anyway, but I feel so crappy around people, or with any attention directed towards me. I hate who I am so bad... and I obsess on deadly things.
I want release, but I can't cry. And to bleed... that's a step too far... I can't let myself do that... probably be too tempted to move to the veins. There's nothing for it, I guess. Except dark music... which makes me calm, but can't imagine it's healthy.
Life's too difficult, and complicated.