I'm just thinking through my fingers. If anger triggers you, please stop here.

I have lost interest in everything I ever liked. I have been trying to figure out exactly when I stopped listening to music, because it was a huge part of my life up until a few years ago. I literally have 50 gigs of downloaded music, but I never listen to it anymore, and haven't for awhile. I just seem to need complete silence now. I used to love to garden, but now it just feels like work. I've gotten extremely lazy, and very determined not to do anything that someone else tries to manipulate me into doing so they won't have to do it. This is real. I have a housemate who is terminally manipulative and is always trying to get me to do her work by leaving things until I can't stand them anymore. I'm trying to get enough money to move, so I'm hoping getting out of here will be a step back toward normalcy.

In short, I see the world as a horrible place and am just angry all the time. Honestly, I'm angry at myself, because I'm in a place I don't want to be and shouldn't be, but my own laziness and worthlessness got me here and has kept me here. So instead of hurting myself physically, I just silently direct my anger at other people. I don't confront anyone, because it does no good, so I just walk away then walk around spouting all this hatefulness under my breath as soon as they are out of earshot.

I was taking Wellbutrin for a few months, and it was good, but I have no insurance and can't afford it anymore. I'm in the same situation as so many other people now. I make too much to qualify for free services, but have absolutely no money to spend on doctors and medicines.

I'm trying hard to treat myself with food now, because at least I have to buy that, but I find myself so depressed that I don't want to prepare meals, so the special diet does me no good.

I know that only I can pull myself out of this, which I don't, which makes me even angrier.

Thanks for listening.