((((Canders)))))

It always seems to come back to wishing things were different eh ... I'm sorry that you are struggling right now, but atleast you were able to express yourself through a journal to your T. I dont like crying either, in fact i hate it, and at the time it seems as though you are showing weakness, and it is doing nothing ..... and i know you've heard this before, but maybe a good cry will make you feel better. Maybe if you just accept it for what it is, and dont dwell on the fact that you feel "weak" because of it ... if you just give in and have a good cry ... maybe that will help? Mind you i say that yet i have a hard time doing it myself ... so i understand where you are coming from.
Canders you ARE worth it. keep pushing through and allowing yourself to open up to your T ... he/she can help you .... and know that i am here if you want too.
Take care of yourself