I met him in class, though. As an undergrad. Wish I could back up and be smarter. Really, really wish. It's mostly the guilt over my choices now that's gutting me. That and the fact that when I see him on campus, he asks "are you okay?" and takes opportunities to say "I'm proud of you" when others are around. It's condescending. What's worse is that I'm teaching a class for the first time, using his textbook. There's a strange power dynamic at play. He's been my mentor since 2006. A nasty spot of bother.

Plus, I still don't completely understand why I became so fixated on saving our friendship. I was against it . . . and he begged and pleaded, saying things like "don't make me carry around your absence for the rest of my life" and "I'm ready to spend the rest of my life making up for all the pain I caused." Once I agreed, he was gone within a week. It's a head game, I guess. And it works. I didn't know what hit me. But it was always true that we couldn't be friends. I knew it, but let him convince me otherwise. I'm wiser now. And I paid dearly for that wisdom, psychologically speaking. Looking back I see that it's been push/pull the whole time. I said multiple times that it felt like he was constantly changing our space. There was no stability. Don't know if he did that intentionally, or if he just is so impulsive that stability isn't possible. No matter. I shouldn't have been there in the first place. Wish knowing that made it hurt less.

Thanks for all feedback . . .