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Recently a close friend of mine died due to taking too much of the medicine he was given for permanent pain. He knew what would happen if he took too much and exactly how much he needed. I learned that the medication he was on could mess with his mind even in prescribed use, which may have been the reason for taking the meds but it was too close to our conversation, in my mind, to be coincidence. Two days before he passed we were talking by phone about our views on suicide. His being that he was very against suicide and would never attempt to do this. My view was one (speaking for my own situation) I unknowingly might have encouraged him to do so. I have many regrets about our conversation that day. He was a very dear friend. Whatever my view on suicide is/was, I feel it is not a view to use in helping someone else set themself up. I realize that my friend is no longer suffering and am happy for him in that regard but it simply wasn't my place to say what I did. I never thought about it that way until I learned he was gone. I never thought he or anyone else for that matter might put that much weight on what I said. I will never discuss suicide with another vulnerable person in the way I did that day, that much I know for sure.
Suicide never makes things better for the people left behind. It’s hell. If people could understand the value of themselves.....abusers don't make that easy but it doesn't change a person's value - which is a great value.
At times I struggle with suicidal thoughts/ideation. When I get to the point where I think I could just do it, my children's faces and my grandkids faces come up to me - their smiles, their hugs and the good times we've had and then I don't think I could destroy their worlds like that. They don't know that I struggle with S. But I don't want them to ever have to deal with it on my account. Ever. So I hope my memories of them will always be there to remind me.
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