I'm also going through these cycles. Restricting then crazy b/p. I hadn't told anyone in real life until recently, when I was drunk one night I was talking to my now partners male friend who has an ED and he kinda picked up on it. Since then I feel like I'm more out of control.

I will be seeing a pdoc and hopefully can talk about it because it's to the point that I can't control it at all. I'm constantly feeling sick, looking sick. It's a horrible cycle. I don't think you can be forced to get help, like I know I *need* it, but I'm not sure I want to be better in the sense of getting fat. That vicious ED voice again.

Hopefully when you're ready you can find a good therapist. It's good to have online support too, but I think there comes a point where it's just starting to ruin your life. Well in my case it definitely is.