I can't win this battle. At least not by myself. I thought I could. I've generally been 'in control' to the point of being able to function at least and hide it. Now I just can't stop the b/p. I've gone between mass restrictive times but the past month it's just b/p rinse repeat. I tell myself I'll have a day off and eat healthy foods where I won't be tempted, but nope.. Somehow it happens. Again.

I tried so hard today. I'm almost in tears writing this but I'm also numb from my depression that I can't really cry lately. The only brief happiness I get is after the 'p' And then I feel horrible and tired. My eyes are black and puffy. My face and skin looks terrible.

Whoever says that having an ED is glamourous and makes you skinny needs to get a reality check. I don't mean to be horrible in saying this but to anyone that reads these in a hope of 'getting an ED' should run the heck away NOW. Yeah you might lose weight, and all your energy, ruin your entire body, look sick and disgusting all the time.

I hope tomorrow can be a b/p free day. I've actually lost count of the days 2 weeks probably. My stomach hurts so bad. Chest. Everything. Then I think that I'M the one doing this to myself. ***** this cycle.

Sorry for the vent. My first thread in here and I'm just a mess.