I hear ya, granite. I hope you can find a way to share what you're feeling and experiencing with her. It will help you get through the hurdle, cuz where you are right now I'd imagine feels pretty awful.

I remember T mentioning something about not "owning my manipulation" when some people in group T would relate me to their evil mothers....and that set me off....because it triggered me being compared to my former friend who tried to run me over - and being compared to these evil mothers.

T explained that we all manipulate, and the word has a very negative connotation to it when it really isn't negative. It's what we do to get our needs met - sometimes we are aware of it, sometimes we aren't. Being direct about getting our needs met is just as manipulative - but being indirect comes off as "manipulative" in the negative sense.

T said that I have had a heck of a time trying to figure out what I need....and when I do figure out what I need, I struggle with figuring out whether or not I'm entitled to it....and if I'm entitled to it, how to express it and then negotiate for it. It's a huge process....and when one is not used to recognizing their own needs or feeling shameful for even having needs, the process is frustrating because so much is beyond my awareness. And then, there's the idea that I wouldn't want anybody meeting my needs, because how will they hold it against me later? Why would I want to open myself up to attack? Why would I want to relinquish a sense of control? There were so many aspects to consider.

Now, that sounded all good and dandy....made perfect sense....BUT, here I was, freaking out because I was being compared to people like my former friend - who deliberately manipulated, was only conscious of getting her own needs met, was incredibly needy, etc.

A quick example.....

I remember having a migraine that lasted WEEKS....I was miserable, non-functional, and made a comment in group T about having soup for dinner because I didn't feel well enough to get to the store and it was all I had in the cupboards.

A person in group T who had an evil, manipulative mother heard that and immediately was set off.....He said that he didn't trust me, didn't believe me, believed that I was exaggerating the truth to get sympathy. It later came out that his mother used to have cupboards full of food - yet would tell friends on the phone that she only had a can of soup for dinner because it was all she had, to get sympathy and attention from her friends.

I was truly enduring a medical nightmare that left me frustrated and hopeless...and I WAS seeking understanding and compassion....but it's much different than how I was perceived, because of his experiences with his mother.

Of course, all I HEARD was that I was lying, not trustworthy and was crying woe-is-me, making up wild stories to gain sympathy. It was quite painful.

Not sure why I'm rambling on and on about it....perhaps there's a point to it somewhere in there. LOL.