I have a problem with thinking about sex in "real life". It's mostly ok in my mind, but the very mention of something real happening, I feel sick and terrified. I imagine it would be similar to someone imagining some horrible disfiguring accident happening to them when there's a legitimate chance that it might.

I was NOT abused as a child. Mistreated a few times as an adult, I suppose, but nothing to explain such an extreme reaction.

For example: if I were to hold an unopened condom in my hand, I would freeze and not be able to move or think for a while and feel like throwing up. It's not like I feel fear either. My brain just stops and is unable to work for a while. And when it does, I just cry. That was an extreme example, but that just happened recently, so...

There's nothing I can do about it that I know of. I can't do therapy unless I lie about fictional abuse. People can't think like me unless they were abused apparently. And there's many other reasons that I'm not doing therapy again.

And it wouldn't matter except that I do still have a sex drive and in my head, sexual things don't elicit such a response. That and I crave the emotional side of an intimate connection. But that means having sex too in nearly every situation.

I want to get married someday. Well, I guess I should say, I WANTED to get married, but that's apparently not a viable option.