I need advice/help/suggestions/input/feedback/comments/questions/anything on ways to
truly uncover and dissect my past.
I had a horrendous meltdown two years ago my senior year of college, in which I found out I had
Bipolar. Once I started seeing the tdoc, talk/interpersonal therapy pretty much ruled the land as dealing with the fallout took the front seat. (aka "I have no idea what I'm doing with my life..")
A couple times we've skirted around some hot button issues but it's time to get to the heart of the matters of my
constant anxiety and Santa's bag of other goodies. She constantly tells me to quit going back to the past and pulling events out and analyzing them. I do it to understand it, dissect it, and get a blueprint for the future. I think she's understanding that.
I'm supposed to go in next week with
specific examples of something that happened, how I felt, what I feel now, and why it matters. I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to do this since she's heard some of these things before.
Ideally,
I want to let go of these things! I don't ruminate over them. I know I cannot change them. But for some reason when they come up it still really, really bothers me. Obviously something isn't being done to fix this.
Here's where I need help:
I
think this is what I'm missing that I don't know how to access...
- The true cause. Maybe I'm only halfway there because the original event is being avoided still
- Possible events so problematic I've repressed them beyond my own current self-excavation avilities
I've managed to get to the
REAL root of a few of these on my own over the course of my life, so some will be very easy.
Some examples:
- Crippling affinity for perfectionism. Why? I was "punished" for anything less that what was acceptable in my parents' eyes and was hardly ever rewarded for doing well
- Guilt, shame, and failure to not be able to handle my own problems or emotions. Why? My families are eastern European and Irish. You do the math. Crying, yelling out, being oppositional was "punishable"
Here are some things I'm SURE need looking into but I can't navigate:
- Easily guilted into things. I will do something I think or know is wrong if I'm strongly guilted into it somehow.
- Why do I get panic-y and overcome with acute symptoms of anxiety when I'm addressed in certain social/public situations? Why would I rather bathe in sewage than walk into a place knowing all eyes will be on me?
- Why did I try and cut a couple times in high school?
- Why did I essentailly give myself a borderline eating disorder?
- Why did I try to "run away" from home so many times as a kid?
- Why do I get uncomfortable with things like a touch on the shoulder or walking arm-in-arm as playful with friends? Why does hugging feel so awkward?
- Why do I lie about things I'm uncomfortable with?
- I don't remember events leading up to it, but I remember always leaving the room as a kid in a fit of emotions and tears, "I only wanted to help; I was just trying to help"
- What were the things I did that were so bad my father felt the need to spank me?
- What did I do that was even worse to warrent getting a belt taken to my bare behind instead?
- How come "I love you" feels more like a socially prompted norm (i.e. "Hey how are you?" "Good.") or tension than a true feeling of warm emotions?
Clearly I've got a lot to really dig into. It's those things that I'm aware of, but I've never looked beyond them right there at that surface level. HOPEFULLY, something can help let go/move on/release tension and anxiety/or whatever.