Thank you Gill, I do hope that I not only receive support here, but genuinely give it as well, as helping others with similarities is very beneficial to ones own healing, and sorry you are experiencing similar difficulties, it does comfort me to know I am not the only one who is suffering these odd marital confusing scenarios.
i do not wish to portray my soon to be ex-husband as a slacker, and good for nothing, we both still love each other very much, but realize we have too many obstacles to over come to remain spouses, we do genuinely hope to achieve a strong close friend type of relationship, in which we really never had to begin with, it was from the beginning all about sex, sex, and more sex. And at the ripe old age of 23, he at 31, it seemed fitting at the time. But we all grow up and out of these type of activities someday.
Well at least I did,he cant let go of his lifestyle, and i can no longer live it.
He has been very good and generous throughout the 20+ years we have spent together, i will admit to him being quite verbally abusive at times, but almost always has apologized shortly there after.
i know we are doing the right thing divorcing to salvage any friendship that will hopefully develop down the road.
but this still doesn't take the sting and heart break, and devastation I am feeling away.
I do have enough insight to know that in time, all wounds will heal, this too shall pass.
But for the moment seeing past the next hour is extremely difficult to me.
We have two teen children, i believe i mentioned above with issues. So that along with probable MS dx, I have a lot on my plate, and to beat a dead horse into the ground will repeat, eating an elephant can be done, one bite at a time.
So its baby steps for all of us.
i think we all need each other to lean on here in these forums, where we are not being judged or condemned by in lnlaws or outlaws as my friend likes to call her Inlaws LOL.
My soon to be ex was and is an excellent provider and has never let this family down financially.
he is not perfect and occasionally admits to that. His strongest weakness besides the immortality of extra marital sex, is when he drinks, he becomes what I like to call a god complex, where he believes he is the authority on everything, when sober he is very kind to be around.
I could have even dealt with kinky fetishes, but the falling down drunk while trying to be intimate was a very big turn off for me.
But oddly enough he now has slowed way down on his drinking.
And will add that unlike previous bf's i have had in the very distant past,he has never ever missed a day of work regardless of his drinking habits, for that matter has never called in sick at all ever. He may occasionally pull a muscle at work ( he is a mechanic), and come home early, but not often.
He has recently achieved getting a cdl, which is no easy task, and remained sober for about 6 weeks, so he is capable of drinking far less then he does, he just doesn't wan't too.
He knows that if/when he lands a trucking job, his drinking will come to a screeching halt, as they will pop test him often for alcohol levels in his body. And he is OK with that. so who knows. ( he tries to put the blame of why he smokes and drinks on us (myself and our kids). But I experience just as much stress and don't smoke or drink, so he cannot in good faith blame us for his drinking habits, as when it comes right down to it, we are all responsible for our own actions as individuals.
He will throw in my face that i am on many medications, but they are not recreational, everyone of them is for a reason, and they keep me from being in a total constant state of misery and pain 24/7, both physically and mentally.
I feel he thinks I a less than because i need meds to stabilize mentally and physically, this is something out of my control, i have no choice, if I want to live any quality of life, i need meds to help achieve that.
Right now my biggest concern is how to support myself. Am going to apply for ssi the moment divorce is final( or does anyone have any clue if it matters if i wait til divorce is final or not, as any disability i hopefully will receive will be achieved solely on my on merits for working the last 30 years of my life, and they would not be going by his income at all, my friend strongly suggests i wait divorce is final, but i feel the sooner the better , the quicker i can achieve an approval, have tried in the past, but with non cooperative docs, except one psychiatrist offered a letter of recommendation for 50 bucks, which i think would b well worth it, and, as i have strong case of drs who will now back up my disabilities ( partly physical( leg paralysis and involuntary bowel leakage during night, and slowly losing the ability to drive, have to wait one more year til daughter can get permit, she can drive perfectly fine right now, but at almost 14, they will not offer her a learners permit at her young age,)partly mental with depressive severe anxiety panic disorder), so i have a strong case to work with. And if anyone is spiritual, God or not, please keep me and my family in your thoughts, prayers, what ever it is you do, to please keep us on your mind for healing for us all to begin starting now. husband prob not agree with me getting disability, like taking easy way out, and sponging society, but he does not know the knowledge of my pain. So i need others in my corner to help me achieve this goal. Oddly enough my crazy 18=teen son is all for it? go figure, kids???!!)
i do hope i can continue to be of help to any member here, and in return ask for just a kind word or two..peace...sheryl