Hey all~
I have an issue that is just nagging at me and making me anxious. I have asked a few of my family and they just aren't sure how to answer it as we are all discovering how to deal with my Bipolar in the first place.

My best friend of 25 years still doesn't know of my diagnosis. I fully intend on telling her because I definitely need that added support. I'm having an issue on how to tell her because I feel I want to apologize for how I have been since we were teens.

See, I moved across the city before our freshman year in High School, that is when I started to have trouble with mood swings and depression, so we didn't see each other enough for her to see the problems develop. We have stayed friends but are no where near as close as we have been in the past and as I can finally honestly look back on things I know much of it was due to me. I missed the birth of both her babies, yet she was at both of mine. I was in her wedding and acted distant and jelous instead of happy for her. When it came time for my wedding I wouldn't even allow her to be a bridesmaid. We didn't speak for a year or so after that. Then I started Proazac and went into (what I discovered was) a manic episode that lasted a few years. I wasn't the best of friends to have, but I was way better than I am now. Once I stopped the Prozac I turned depressed, angry, impulsive, jelous and loosing interest in all the activities I was doing with my best friend. She has seen me explode in anger over nothing. She has seen me not get angry at things that should have. And I make up excuses every time she calls. I have been a horrible friend all around.

I know it is not my fault I have Bipolar and that I was doing the best I could with what I had to deal with. I shouldn't have to apologize for being mentally ill, but everything inside me says I cannot tell her about my diagnosis without apologizing for everything I have done to her over the past years. Every event I missed that was important to her and mostly for keeping my best friend out of my wedding.

Is this a healthy guilt or just a stupid symptom of BP? Is it wrong for me to apologize for my actions even though I can distinctly tie them to mood swings and mental illness?

I'm torn and I need help.