Liv, you were traumatized by your experiences. Sometimes our brains don't process traumatic memories properly, so they are stored in such a way that they keep getting pulled up and replayed when we don't want them and it doesn't help us to be reliving that.

It is really unfortunate that your trauma is associated with therapy, and the idea of trying therapy again brings up those memories for you. We can keep telling you that a lot has changed and it won't happen again, but that doesn't seem to be helpful. There is a reason why this is still so vivid for you, and there are effective ways to treat that. I wonder if you tried one of the newer therapies that is very different from what you experienced before, and had legal documents to establish that you are not willing to enter inpatient treatment again, if you would be able to do it. EMDR is one of those newer therapies that helps to process trauma memories properly. It's quite different - you don't even have to talk about the memories much, just think about them and use rhythm and eye movements while processing the memories. I guess you have to choose between facing and overcoming your fears, even though it is very difficult fo you, or living with them. You can also try self-help and support groups and try to heal on your own. How would you feel about group therapy? If you are motivated enough, you will find a way somehow.

Here are some websites you might be interested in:
http://www.energyhealing.net/site_map.htm Energy therapies (EMDR, DNMS, EFT, etc.) - particularly for trauma-related disorders
http://www.psychologyhelp.com/book.htm Be Your Own Therapist e-book (self-help)
http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/ Self-help (covers anxiety, depression, change & insight)