Wendy,

Well I guess my case is a lot different from everyone else's here. I've stopped one form of si but I continue with other forms that I didn't realize were si until recently. As you know, I stopped cutting myself two years ago. To be honest, my reason for doing so was jacked up. I had decided that si was a sin against God. Let me say before I continue: I DO NOT AGREE WITH A VIEWPOINT THAT SAYS SI IS A SIN. IT IS NOT A SIN, IT'S A COPING MECHANISM. I think it's wrong to pronounce judgement on ourselves or others who si, but I have to be honest and admit that when I stopped, that was the reason why. I guess it worked for me. Nothing else would have stopped me. I think you're right when you say that feeling guilty over it just makes the problem worse. What it did for me was make me not want anything to do with God because He might be mad at me for cutting the body He gave me. And still today, I admit that this is the biggest reason I don't si. I've never told anybody that.

I have only one other reason- and that is fear of inadequacy. I avoid si to save face. I put a lot of pressure on myself to be perfect, so now that I have a 2-year record of no cutting, if I were to do it again, I think I would feel like a total failure. Which is really stupid, because I don't see anyone else as a failure when they si. I just want to help them, and I recognize they are hurting. They seem totally justified. But to me, I just seem weak and melodramatic and lame.

That said, my reasons SUCK! I wish I could find a better reason. Sometimes when I listen to that Alanis Morissette song "I'm Sorry to Myself" that I gave you, I think I really am sorry for how badly I've treated myself. But that just leaves me in the guilt cycle again. And I feel like I can't get anything right.

I wish I could offer some "sagely" advise, as if I had abstained from si completely and for beautifully healthy reasons, but I haven't. I often like to pretend I come in such a pretty package, though. I si in a lot of ways that are easier to deny and cover up now. I pretend that they aren't si because I'm not cutting.

When you find the answers, pass them along! Until then, thank you for your friendship and I just hope that you know you are loved. ((((((((((((((((Wendy)))))))))))))))))))))))) And we are all in this together.

Good luck, my friend!
Angela

"Blessed be the cracked, for they let in the light"
-Author Unknown