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How do I say this?
How do I say what I feel without sounding like an attention-seeker? I want; I need, to talk about my experiences, my sense of losing my mind.
There are limits to the rational mind and truth is paradoxical, Reality and unreality are two sides of the same coin. Anything that is imagined exists in some form or another, even illusions because thought forms are real forms, just less dense than physical forms, There is no such thing as the chair I am sitting in, the though form of chair makes it real. There are spinning particles that vibrate densely enough to make an arbitrary boundary of chair and not-chair, but chair only exists in my head. By some voodoo-magic of physics I am supported by the chair, but at the same time I am floating, perhaps vibrating at a different speed? The meaning of it, my interpretation gives rise to reality. And so it is for you.
I read somewhere, in some report on science, that we may never touch anything, just empty space colliding. Consciousness holds reality together and once you see through that, just an itty bitty bit, reality begins to decompensate. It seems funny, like we are all actors in a play. Like this is not real. Like the Tao has “split” us off as our own individual things and reality too (for all matter is conscious—you can see that in religious texts, the rocks would rejoice for Christ—something like that) and we are all interacting with other aspects of ourselves. Like the dreamer interacts with other aspects of dream,-state reality. The body and the chair are the same, even as they are different.
My eyes are cameras taking pictures, deconstructing and reconstructing information in less than a second and categorizing it, making meaning, giving it a name . I can never actually see anything, I only perceive a picture. And just like the picture I have of my dead uncle (when he was living) is not my uncle, so too are my eye-pictures not the thing itself, which is not to say that it cannot be valid, it could be completely accurate and useful, but it would not be it. Just like watching a music video only creates a likeness of the singer, and does not bring the singer herself into my home.
Even touch isn’t “real”. The nerves in my fingers are sending electrical impulses up to my brain which are being interpreted, again instantly or nearly, as feeling. My feelings are my own, they are not reality.
I stay up late everyday researching, contemplating, daydreaming… I am going to think myself mad. I am not yet mad; I know this because I still have insight. I still know that my interpretation of reality is my own and may not necessarily reflect reality; however, who is to say that the majority perception is any better?
I think some people are fillers, not people I interact with at any level, but some people I see are not sharing my reality. They live in their own parallel. I can feel when reality shifts, I can feel when I go from parallel to another and I have to wonder how many I’s there are? I can see how this takes place in my head, but I am not good at drawing. It is like a stream.
I do not know whether to post this, I want someone, anyone to know my thoughts. It is alienating to keep your thoughts to yourself, to live in a private reality. And that is what I have done, I hate identified with the internal world as primary and the external as secondary (and perhaps unstable and unknowable), whereas I see, when I go to class al these kids who identify with the outside. I cannot speak to how identified they are with their inner worlds, but I bet it is less than me. That used to be a mark of pride, perhaps it still is—I am deeper, more reflective and contemplative and self-aware, an old soul.
I am trying to let go of the idea that there is something wrong with me. I am who I am. I am that I am.
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