i don't have a lot to say about this session because not a lot went on before i left . i think i have reached completely unbearable levels of horrible feelings and my T cant seem to help at all.

i showed up at bout 4:59 for a 5:00 appointment .i heard my T call down at the desk about 5 after to see if i had arrived .the usual routine if the desk doesn't call her to let her know i am here. the lady said yes she has just got here. that was a lie!!!!i had already been there for 5 min. anyway my T seems to like to make me wait before she comes to get me so if i show up at 5 she will get me at 5 after. because the lady at the desk said i had just got there she waited another 5 min and was now 10 min late.

we got to her office and the hated chair was again way back away into the corner. i hate it when she does that .it feels so horrible to sit in it. again like i did something horribly wrong . as we sit down she says oh my goodness I'm running late. another LIE she had called down at 5 after she could have come and got me then. the worst was the music. she for some reason had classical music playing very loudly in her office and she didn't bother to shut it off or turn it down either .it was some radio station so there was talking also. it was like a huge assault to my body.it really was .i hated it.it was messing and confusing everything that was already spiraling in my head. i don't understand why she was doing what she was doing but i really did try to deal with it. i tried to sit in that horrible chair in the corner .deal with her lying, how horrible everything going on in that room,and the music. i tried to keep saying in my head this was not real.what i was seeing and feeling was not real it was in my head. but it wasn't. the only thing she said to me after about 5 min was SO ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR FIRST DAY OF SPRING?? she startled me because she needed to almost yell over the horrible music. i couldn't answer. after about 10 min i could not handle everything that was going on .i was in full blown emotional overload. and in a full panic .everything was way to big and i just kind of yelled i need to leave as i was getting up and left for good.

i am already feeling so humiliated from the session before when she told me i was like the mother and showed me this video about self care that had so much about narcissism in it. i know she must think that this is who i am. and this week she set out to prove it.that i couldn't even handle sharing the office with the music she wanted to listen to. hell she should be able to listen to the damn music if she wants .it is her office and i couldn't handle it at all.in fact i couldn't handle anything. i guess she proved her point. she didn't need to do all that .i had already accepted what she had said if she had just asked me. i know how disgusting i am .i know i am no piece of cake to work with at all. all she had to do is say it is time to refer me out .two sessions ago i asked her if she still thought i should still go there if i couldn't figure out how to talk to her about what i needed to. i gave her an out .she didn't need to go to such a huge extent to make me so insignificant that it tore me apart.

i know i need to start looking for a new T .i new last week i would not be able to go back but i tried.now it has been confirmed beyond words the extent that my T doesn't want me to be there. the problem is i am terrified to look for another T. i don't know how to start to talk to these people . i can't handle rejection very well right now (ain't that obvious lol). i know first i need to call my insurance and get the password to the website that has the list of approved T. i don't know if i am asking for help with this or not .i am terrified to do it .but i know that i need to be in T