I am in a vicious circle. My PDOC of 12 years has me on 12 mg of Ativan a huge dose. Last year when I felt better I tried to find a new PDOC. No one would take me on that dose.

This past December I started to ween down and was doing good, then Jason died.
I needed the bigger dose to help me get by.

I don't know what is wrong with my PDOC, when I first met him he was great.
We had a standing appointment every Friday. He actually did therapy with me.

Know I barely hear from him. He falls asleep in appointments. Barely returns calls.

The Er I went to is the one I always go to, it has the Psyc unit there. He lied to me yesterday, he said they did not have a bed. They did. I told the nurse and regular doc I took extra meds they night before and yesterday.

The Doc and Social worker kept paging my PDOC, he did not return any pages.

Finally, I just said I want to go home. I lied I said my friend would be with me all day today.

My PDOC use to be head of the Psyc until last July. The last time I was there I asked if I could have one of the Pdocs that are always on the unit. They said no out of respect for my PDOC.

My Husband Called my PDOC last night after we came home and confronted him about the bed situation and why he did not answer his page. He said he never got the pages and never addressed the fact that he said there were no beds.

I just kept remembering him saying the unit didn't want me anymore. Keep in mind they have known me for 12 years. Yes, right after my son died my husband and I got upset that I could not use my felt markers to journal on the unit. This was never a rule and they had a bin on the table in the community room. I can't believe I would be outed for this one thing.

I am wondering now if it is true or it is something my PDOC made it.

I really don't need this SH....IT right now, I need compassion and help. Has the world gone off its axis ?