Angela,

Hey, I'm glad that those reasons worked for you, but it sounds like you still have some guilt about it too. ((((((hugs)))))) Actually, the concept of SI as a sin has been present for me too. There was one time that one of my incidents came to the attention of my bishop, and he called me in to discuss it. What he said was a little contradictory. First he said he wanted to make it clear that he didn't consider it to be a sin, but then he did bring up the "your body is a temple - would you go in the temple and scratch up the walls like that?" argument. That probably is a good reason to stop, but I know that giving in to guilt would most likely just either make it worse or push me into another form of sabotage.

You say that your other reason is fear of inadequacy. That makes sense too, but works the other way on me. I'm more afraid that if I didn't have that method of staying in control, I might 'lose it' and that would be more of an inadequacy.

When my T said that I had to stop, I asked why, and he said because I have to be an example for other people. I said, but they don't have to know about it, and he said that they would know. I don't think they necessarily would, unless I let them know.

I keep listening to that song, "I'm Sorry To Myself." She's right. I would never think of treating anybody else as badly as I treat myself. I have said before that I am my own abuser. It's not just physical either, and the emotional abuse is worse than the physical. I don't know why I deserve to have to treat myself that way. I don't feel sorry for it though. Maybe I just don't really mind. I'm used to it. It's familiar.

Thanks for your answers. They do help, even if you and I both argue against them. Thank-you for your friendship, and for caring about me. Maybe that's the real question. How do you learn to care about yourself? Perhaps the first step can be believing that someone else cares about you. You know that I care about you also, right? That could be the key right there - we are all in this together, and maybe we can help each other out of it too.


Wendy

<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>