Well, MelisssaD81, I was also abused by a female perpetrator. For a long long long long time I felt that I "knew" I was the only one. I tried to repress the memories, but that didn't work, at least not completely. I was finally forced to face it in a sense when I was 20 yrs old and basically started to break down and couldn't function. I went in to a counseling office and was basically like, well, all I know is I can't get up in the morning and life seems like a never-ending gray haze and I can't bear to think of living my whole life like this. That first counseling session has since turned into 2 and a half years, up to this very day. It's been a LONG road and extremely painful, difficult, sickening at times. BUT, I am better. I am not perfect, I am not even all that healthy still, but I am better. I am a different person than I was. I have changed so much because I chose to invest in myself. I'm 22 years old, and I'm feeling more like "me" every day.

Now to how this is relevant to you. The only way to deal with your pain is to go through it. There isn't a way to go around it, beneath it, above it, etc. You have to travel through the center of the storm. That sounds terrifying, I know. However, you can take as long as you need to do this. It doesn't have to be a day, a week, a year. It has to be at YOUR pace. That's the only way it will work. It has to be at your pace and it has to happen. Those are the only absolutes. If you don't trust your T enough yet, that's ok. Wait until you do trust him enough. I had to do that too. It's completely natural that you don't trust him enough to spill your guts quite yet. It makes perfect sense that the telling of the story is repulsive to you. I know that when I told my story for the first time especially, but really every time I've told it, there has has been difficulty in the simple process of having to hear myself say the words. To listen to your own story of abuse, r***, whatever it may be, come out of your own mouth is quite challenging. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done, but by far one of the best.

Bottom line: You can do it. You need to get rid of all of this poison in order to rebuild who you really are. Do it at your own pace! Don't subscribe to someone else's demands or expectations, but challenge yourself. Take risks. I [B]know[B] that you can heal. I am always here.