I'm glad it all worked out for you. It's probably not overly romantic, just way over my head.

I'm concerned though about feeling like it's a duty. Again, I would be guilted into something I didn't want to do because I have to do it for someone else. Although it's likely I just don't understand.

I don't understand love, trust, or commitment. By that I mean, I don't know what love is supposed to feel like, I don't know how anyone can trust anyone ever, and I don't understand how commitment could happen. I mean someone committed to me on any level? It doesn't make sense unless they get something worthwhile out of it in return, which I suppose must be sex. Which means I better be good at sex and get used to the fact that if I don't want to have sex with anyone within the first few dates, I shouldn't date as it would be wasting their time.

I've just recently found a place where people respect me...as an artist. I'm not sure if they respect me as a person, but I really have no idea.

I've tried the go slow, go a little further each time online, but it just led to me realizing I can't even get past kissing (online, not even in real life) without panicking. Which leads me to feel really guilty as I'm hurting the other person by not just letting them do whatever they want. Which inevitably leads to self-harm.

And so, I don't see how I get over something like this. I'm never going to meet someone who's going to waste years of their life trying to help me. If I meet someone who's even willing to physically do anything with me ever without being very desperate and/or very drunk, I'd be a bit surprised.